Mother-In-Law Incidents from Years Past and How to Behave as a Civilized Human Being 101

Anywho, in somewhat of a continuance of my last post ... there were two conversations with my Mom-in-Law when I had one that were uncomfy... and I'm going to tell you about them now.  

Incident Number 1 - 
The ex and I hadn't been married long.  I was still "feeling like a new wife"... and by that I mean making sure that my hair and make up were done when he came in the door and that I had my apron on and that the house was clean and that I had dinner going... yes, I know that sounds absolutely fantastically bizarre if you only have known me on 'this side of Betty Ford'... Anywho, so I was on a "touching bases" phone call with the Mom-in-Law and she said - very sternly yet pleasantly, "If you have a few minutes, there's something that's troubling me that I'd like to mention to you so I'll have it off my chest..." I told her to please go right ahead and tell me anything that was bothering her and reassured her that if I'd done something specifically I would absolutely want to know about it.  

She went on to discuss her feelings on the circumstances of our marriage...

Cheater, Cheater Pants On Fire!

I sat sipping java and chain-smoking with a long-lost friend this weekend ... as our visit began to wrap up, my phone rang.  I answered it quickly - 


"Hey lovie, can I call you back in just a few minutes?"


"Uh..yeah."


"Okay, call you back."


My guest (as many of you who know me in real life might imagine) was highly surprised that I'd answered the phone ... I told him that it was one of my gal pals and she's on the top of my mind right now because her marriage is ending.  


"Ooooh ... gotcha." He winced in mental agony ... he's been there ... most of us have ... "Yeah, you'd better ring her back.." 


As we started for the door, my text beeped, "George* is f*cking Jane Doe*.  That's all I was gonna tell you...."


I quickly shuffled my friend out the door, "Oh no man, she just found out her husband's been having an affair with a woman she works with... I've gotta cut ya' way short, travel safely and I'll talk with you later..." 


I dialed the phone ... she answered in tears ... I listened as she told me that she'd come back to what was now becoming her "former house" to pack some things up ... and had found jewelry on the bathroom counter that didn't belong to her.  Worse, she recognized the jewelry as that of someone she works with.... 


My heart was absolutely crumbling for her ... I listened until she stopped with a sigh and said, "I'm okay..."


I then proceeded to tell HER that she is going to be okay.  I proceeded to tell her that this will be the time when she finds out who she really is and what makes her truly happy.  I explained to her that as her heart begins to heal she will find a side of her that she never knew existed.  It will be a lengthy, interesting, exhausting, inspiring, exciting journey...and if you do it correctly, it never really ends.


When my own former-hubby left, I had no idea who I was.  I say that very bravely now.  I never thought that'd be so easy to put "on paper"... he left though, I didn't want a divorce - but he didn't want to keep his business in his pants when he was away from home, so we'd come to an impasse.


It's hard to go through that heartache.  It's hard to realize someone you trusted completely deceived you.  It's hard to think about, but one must focus on what's liberating about it.


A fresh start in life is ALWAYS good for you, my dahling
- and karma takes care of the rest... 

(*George* and *Jane Doe* are fictional names used to protect the identity of those involved.)

Have a Grand and Groovy Day!!

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Please and Thanks!!

01/13/2011 - Give Yourself Credit for Changing the Oil and Baking Bread!

It's all about perception.  

People say that, but do they really think about what it means and implement it?

I can remember experiencing perception issues as a spouse - 

"The chicken tastes different .... what'd you do to it?"

Well, that can be taken nineteen different ways - obviously for starters it could be considered a statement followed by a question - that's the way we should take it, but in homes across America it's taken as "Something's wrong with the chicken!!!  

Holy, God a'mighty, what have you done to the chicken?!?!  *Gasp*"  

This sort of thing occasionally leads to a three day disgruntlement 

regarding all things cooking and food related.

I haven't had to experience that in a while.  That, I think is one of the many reasons I don't really care to ever marry again.  I don't want someone so close in my proximity that they cause me question myself....be it about something as trivial as how the chicken is made or something as important as why I choose the paths I take...

Suffice it to say, that sometimes we don't hear exactly what people say.  I think Dr. Phil refers to the phenomenon as the things you tell yourself about yourself.

The graphic below was taken by me this morning on my Mom's facebook page ... 

 

When she posted that I had just called her to let her know she had some duplicate paragraphs in her post.  

I point this out because when she posted that my kitchen became a whirlwind of expletives - It started with "Holy Jimminy Crickets Mother ... I did not smurfing tell you that you'd really messed up...  Jimminy Crickets!!!" ....  Yeah, it got pretty rowdy in here for a minute :) ..... but then I calmed down and realized I MUST say something.  For one reason, I don't want all of my Mom's friends to think I'm a total sea hag ... and for another I think it's an important lesson for all of us to learn.  Those are all things she said on the phone while she was trying to put her chocolate with my peanut butter and figure out what had happened.  I know I wasn't saying those things because I was trying to tell her just to slowly proof read, correct and repost.    

We do that - we beat ourselves up about things.

I'll be honest with you ... I really don't know why the smurf we do it.  It's a preposterous thing to do really.  

Imagine that your phone rings right now and you pick it up and it's your friend George... and George says, "Hey there pal, whadya doin' this morning?" ..... and YOU say, "Well George I'm just sittin' here talkin' to myself in my noggin like a no-good-cod-waddlin'-piece-of-sh*t while I drink my coffee... thinking about what I do wrong and not givin' myself any credit for the knowledge and skills I've got; what're you up to today?"  

Give yourselves credit for the things you do right, people!

Give yourselves a pat on the back for knowing how to do things ... 

as simple as changing the oil in a car or baking a loaf of bread.

Having said all of that, Mom posted a very informative blog today.... it very literally has information in it that could save your life.  You can find it here at the 

A Simple Woman's Musings

Enjoy and Feel Free to Share! 

12/23/2010 - "the Vault" - A Memory from this week in 2004 -

Do y'all remember the overwhelming snow storm that went through our region at Christmastime of 2004?

Well - I did that.  I prayed for it, I mean.  ( I think "prayer" is becoming a highly overused word, by the way and I'm not long from putting it in the same category as the word "religion".  I won't bore you with that today though ... you're welcome ...) I had really forgotten all about that snowstorm until I was perusing videos a few mornings ago on my friend Beau's YouTube Channel -

I watched a short video of the snow storm of '79 pieced together with some family video shot on Beau's family farm.  I don't really remember that snow storm - I was four, I should; but I don't.  I've seen pics of my brothers and me in it - and it was quite a doozie!

Now, back to 2004.

September began to creep in and the Fall chill hit the air.  I like Fall, but the idea that Winter is right behind it is absolutely sickening to me.  I detest Winter with every fiber of my being.

Anywho, it would've been bad enough just due to the time of year; but as Fall approached I found myself at 30 - living alone for the first time in my life and waiting to hear if my husband of six years had decided if he wanted a divorce.  ((*that's how I did things "then"*))

I had lived in this apartment since February of that year and the soon-to-be-former and I had been separated since February of the previous year.  We had a business together, so we had kept things on amiable terms.  In fact, when he would deliver the check covering my portion of the 'gigs'; we would occasionally sit and have a cup of java.  It was bizarre but comfy.

I see people do that now with their soon-to-be-exes and I can see my spell of it in a different perspective.

In retrospecta-vision I think it's like a baby-step in letting go of one another.

Anywho, on October 4th - my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly.  I was crushed.  We had just visited at a family get-together at the soon-to-be ex's on Saturday ... and now, on Monday ... he was gone. We'd had the best chat behind the house when I'd snuck away from public view to have a couple of ciggies.

At that point, the divorce was a pretty certain thing - just sort of looming on the horizon - so we talked very openly about things.  I learned more about men in that 30 minute conversation with that sweetheart of a man than I'd learned in my entire life.

I was absolutely beyond stunned at his passing and it admittedly put me into a bit of a tail spin.

During the week of the funeral, the potentially-soon-to-be-ex informed me that he did - in fact - want a divorce.  It was a very long night of standing in the funeral home, wanting to say - "Oh, by the way - I won't be seeing you at Thanksgiving and Christmas ... We're getting a divorce. It's been wonderful knowing you though .... buh-bye...."  Not to mention the overall trauma of the sudden passing of the father-in-law.  It was a terrible time.

We were cordial though ... we were cordial until the very end ... and that didn't happen until years later ...

As Thanksgiving came, I was beyond depressed and increasingly exhausted; yet "insomniatic".  I was working for a local radio station and my numbers were sinking like the Titanic and so was I.  The sales manager was calling me in for counsel on a weekly basis, as was the GM, G.

I'll skip Thanksgiving night altogether - because that nearly did me in - as we skipped ahead to Christmas, every day becoming more and more of a blur.  I realized I couldn't "do Christmas".  I told my mom I couldn't "do Christmas".  That idea didn't seem to jive with her.  I told her that I really wouldn't be attending "the family Christmas" that year and my suggestion was that she start praying for a blizzard - because that's what I was going to do.

Here and there - throughout December, I would occasionally think about Christmas.  Under my breath, I would mutter; "Please God, for the sake of my mother let us have a blizzard...".

A few days before Christmas Eve ... as I passed through the living room - the weather forecaster mentioned a very strong chance for nearly debilitating wintry precipitation.  Normally when that happens I go into a little grumpy fit ... (as aforementioned, I detest Winter) ... but this time I stopped dead in my tracks.  As I turned around and walked back into the living room.  My mouth dropped open as I listened to the forecast advise that it's very possible this snow storm could "postpone" Christmas for our area.

Christmas was delayed that year - and I hadn't thought of that era (now called "the Black Christmas of '04" by myself and the friends who helped me live through it) until I saw the slide show on Beau's YouTube Channel.

Thank you, Beau - for having that on your YouTube Channel and starting the unlocking of my vault. :)

12/22/2010 - *Gasp!* "Oh Kim Jackson....the Vault?!?!"

No worries, kids - I'm not opening "the Vault" on you people, I'm opening it on me...
We're going to learn some lessons!! :)

I just wanted to give you folks a heads up because I'm not one to get deep into the feelings department. The thing is, I'm encountering a few friends lately who are going through breakups and such and I'm feeling that sharing some of my ook from years past might help some of them muddle through their own.  Who knows I may learn new things too now..  years later ..  from these experiences ...

What is 'the vault', you ask?

Well, "the vault" is the little place deep in the recesses of your noggin where you keep the things that you don't plan to ever think about again. Your hurts, your disappointments, your broken dreams and whatnot ....  Sometimes you stuff them into this little vault, leaning on the door as bits and pieces of your baggage poke out from the crevices - sometimes it all goes in neatly and the door shuts with no issue whatsoever.

Over the weekend I had a friend to stop by the Ocho who finds herself at the threshold of a divorce.
I told her, "No worries, sit down - I'll get the Kleenex.  I've been where you are.  I've felt what you feel - and I'm feeling it right now with you-like, literally-I could vomit... You're GOING to make it though... I know what it's like to try and imagine your life without that person in it.  It's not an easy thought and it looks weird when you're playing it in the theater of your noggin, but that life is possible and you're going to make it incredible!"

That's all easy for me to say now.  I read that paragraph and it looks almost as foreign as I told my friend that the movie was going to look in her head ... it's not an easy place to get ... and it can take quite some time depending on what exactly you allowed yourself to endure while you were trying to hold your relationship together.  We had as long of a chat as we had time for that day, but suffice it to say she's crossed my mind many times this week.

Before we went our separate ways, she apologized profusely for stopping by on such short notice in such an emotional state.  I reassured her that when it's necessary to let yourself crash - YOU MUST!

I can guarantee you - if you have a "crash", "crumble", "breakdown", "meltdown", etc coming ... it will come - It's important to let it seep out just a bit at a time - like a little tea pot, short and stout or something...