Anywho, in somewhat of a continuance of my last post ... there were two conversations with my Mom-in-Law when I had one that were uncomfy... and I'm going to tell you about them now.
Incident Number 1 -
The ex and I hadn't been married long. I was still "feeling like a new wife"... and by that I mean making sure that my hair and make up were done when he came in the door and that I had my apron on and that the house was clean and that I had dinner going... yes, I know that sounds absolutely fantastically bizarre if you only have known me on 'this side of Betty Ford'... Anywho, so I was on a "touching bases" phone call with the Mom-in-Law and she said - very sternly yet pleasantly, "If you have a few minutes, there's something that's troubling me that I'd like to mention to you so I'll have it off my chest..." I told her to please go right ahead and tell me anything that was bothering her and reassured her that if I'd done something specifically I would absolutely want to know about it.
She went on to discuss her feelings on the circumstances of our marriage...
getting married abroad, with no family there, not in a church, etc... She made it very clear to me that she loved me, but had not loved that situation. I hope I've regurgitated that well .. I had to block so much from that era out after getting my instruction sheet at 'Betty Ford'. My point is, we had a conversation about feelings as to "unblock our auras" - so to speak. I don't recall that it was ever mentioned again, but what that incident did was give her peace of mind that I knew and respected how she felt - and gave me a deeper understanding of a woman who became a very good friend as the years went on...
Incident Number 2 -
To get you in the mindset of this tale, my in-laws were (and are) wonderful people with views and values that didn't allow room for cocktailing ... this Daddy I'm going to be speaking of was the Grandpa of the ex and was "the one in the family who didn't attend church, smoked ciggies, cursed a little if he didn't think his precious "Dot" was going to
Anywho, the ex and I had been married in the vicinity of four of years. I had been 'in the family' for almost seven years. The ex always took a case of beer to his grandpa when we visited on Sunday. This was something that this aforementioned "Dot" (one of the most amazing and beautiful people I've ever had the honor to know) had always done and when she took ill with Pancreatic cancer-passing away in June of 2001, the ex-to-be took over in making sure that his grandpa had some beer in the fridge.
On this particular week, the ex-to-be was out of town in Vegas with "the fellas and God knows what else", so I was in charge of making sure Del was settled for the week with his after dinner brew and I did so with flying colors.
I was sitting at my desk one afternoon (this was when I worked in radio), my line buzzed, I picked it up and it was my Mom-in-Law. The earlier, "If you have a few minutes, there's something that's troubling me that I'd like to mention to you so I'll have it off my chest..." of years past was now .. a sharp toned and exasperated, "Kim honey... I was down at Daddy's putting some things in his fridge today and I found beer in the bottom of his vegetable bin and I have to ask, did you take Daddy beer?!"
NOW.. here's where a lot of you folks mess up. My immediate "Kim Jackson" response to a question like that would be, "You bet your sweet fanny I did! He's 81 years old, he's got an old messenger book with a piece of shrapnel in it laying on his bookcase and if he wants a beer, he's earned it and I'd 'a whole heck of a lot rather take it to him rather than have him driving to 'the Bottoms' to get it!" (he resided in a 'dry county) HOWEVER, as a daughter-in-law ... if you're trying to behave in a civilized manner, I mean... you absolutely must show respect and "lose your attitude".
I took a deep breath, I felt my blood pressure sky rocket ... I had gone all these years without mom-in-law problems and I sure didn't want them then. I started slowly, "With all due respect... yes I did. The ex-to-be takes it to him every week when we go down there and he asked me if I would do it while he's out of town."
Okay, now do you kids see how I did that? First I addressed her with respect, then I ate a little crow, then I threw her son under the bus... Jot it down if you must, but it's pretty flipping easy to remember if you ask me...
That was, if I recall just about the most "border-line-rough" conversation we ever had.
Years later in Winter of 2007/2008 we spoke for the last time before this week's chance meeting at Cracker Barrel. We were in the back of a store that I managed for her son, my ex. We had a long conversation about how difficult it is to 'leave' a family. From the years of 1995-2007 I had two families. The ex's parents were divorced, but both were remarried and all were friends. Now hang on gang .. when I say "friends", I don't mean "Friend Family" and all of the Facebook deleting and removing and blocking, publicly berating and tom foolery... no, no, no ... I mean the first time I walked in to a family gathering and saw "two dads" talking in the living room and "two moms" working in the kitchen - (although one of them was instructing and one was following, God love 'em all..), my heart felt full and I knew that I was very blessed to know such a wonderful family. I don't mean they didn't disagree on things gang ... (pardon my french and SKT- pardon my astrick), who the f*ck doesn't have a disagreement every now and then?
If you don't like your relationship with someone you must try this excercise....
Agree that you are going to sit down with the parties involved and one or two neutral people who know everyone involved and all of the outlying, underlying and unspoken malarky that may or may not go along with that - regardless of if it is true or someone's own mental concoction. For example in my family this would be me and I can think of about 4 of you who should be texting me for an appointment AS you're reading. :)
Now, the only step remaining is to say what is on your mind... I don't mean, "I don't like you because you're nosey..." .... I mean, "When you did such and such, I felt like it was very nosey of you and it overstepped a personal boundary that I don't want you to overstep." Now, I ask you ... who in the name of all that is sacred and Holy could argue with that?
Another way to say it? "I have a bubble of privacy that I don't want certain people inside of and you're one of them, I love you and respect you (*if you do) but I can't have you 'all up in my kool-aid'...
It's much better for all parties involved to say to someone what's on your mind and then agree to disagree if you have to. Sometimes people just don't jive and that's totally okay... Sometimes people share DNA or in-law-dom and not another flipping thing on the planet and that's totally okay too. Focus on what you have in common with people ... and quit your bitching ... seriously though ...
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